My existence

it's funny...

2007-01-25T19:59:54Z

I don't know...
personally I think it's funny how the way you think can change so much in 1 year, 6 months, 2 months, even lol a day...

I personally wouldnt say I'm changing my mind or who I am but more settling and already have the foundation laid for who I am now...its like the way I think seems different but its just me really adding onto who I am and becoming more mature...

I'm sry...I look at the dating scene...and honestly can say even though I want something that is committed and could lead to marriage...I see no one that is ready to stick to something like that...If I dwell on this thought too long it's going to make me sick...Many people that I know of claim that their heart's desire is to truly give their affections and love for the person that is right for them.

Want to know the real problem?

These types of people aren't going to find the "right one" for them...because behind these hopes and feelings they have are not love but empty thoughts of lust...Honestly...and I have struggled with people and even at times myself with this issue.

I'll just carry this rant on a little bit longer because I feel I sort of have to...

Now Don't think I'm pointing at "relationships" and saying look their is no hope here...what I am saying is look at your motives and see if your heart's in the right place...

Most of the people that are single and lonely now are that way because they are soo absorbed with this idea of the right one for them and their own ideas that their own selfishness and impatience is going to ruin anything could come from healthy relationships in the future.

There are many factors to this problem...and I'm not going to jump into a lot of them...

From me looking at this...I would say a lot of it has to do with the immaturity and selfishness...but yea I dk I made tons of mistakes and im far from what I believe to be "selfless."...Far.

Me personally...I'm just gonna lay back and see what happens...
I mean I do got other things on my mind like school and such...waiting for the results of the GED. Then hopefully becoming a pastor.

Idk my rants done.

Some new things and changes here in 07

2007-01-19T03:55:08Z

Well a lot has happened since I last wrote...
I went to GED classes for about eight weeks and met some cool pool...on my birthday (jan. 16) I got the test...I have to wait 3 weeks for the scores that sucks but its alright cuz i think i did ok. My job's doing good and I enjoy it. In march for about four to five weekends I will train with people from andrew's university to become a pastor...which will be good...
that is one of the my great goals of the year to close to God. He got me through so much I'm glad...I would say im very peaceful right now in the way things are goin even though you have the occasionally trip up. I dk I see myself maturing.

As for romance...you know what...seeing how people are...and how cold some people can be I basically said why stress over it...I don't date anyone right not...if I do if I don't I don't I really could careless right now because I'm young...I still got a long path to walk yet...ok well thats about it yep.

as the days roll on...a few things new...a few things the same

2006-11-02T15:11:47Z

Well I'm going back to wal-mart...2nd shift though...which in a way is disappointing but its cool. The 2 reasons why it is a bit discouraging is because

1. it's 2pm-11pm which means on them days I probably won't have a social life unless I hang out after 11pm

2. it's mostly unloading trucks which I hate.

Other than that I am attempting to give my heart back to God. It seems like I have fallen away a lot within the last year or two. I've made a lot of mistakes and basically turned to sin to solve my problems and control my life decisions. Like for one the "girl issue" (not just with sam but with the other girls I have into since her.) Don't get me wrong I'm not a man whore I date mad girls right after a break up. A person needs time to heal. Even recently I ran into girls that on surface value seem great...maybe even just like me...but then later I become disappointed when I see bits of the same character that Sam had right before she broke up with me. Even though I'm interested in these people they seem to chase after people who are empty. Now am I judging anyone...Yes...We all know girls go for the bad guys which always leads to them being hurt. I mean honestly girls be true to yourselves do you really think you can change an asshole. I know most of you have common sense. What kind of relationship can you have with them?

I have talked with people recently where things seemed like they could went somewhere but when you take a closer look at the way they are you can see that that don't want what you want even though they seem like they do. I tell you the truth these girls are going to end up getting hurt over and over and over again...but wait who do they say they are looking for? a real relationship with a good guy...but yet they run to have a relationship with an asshole.

Getting to another point...No I'm not an asshole if anyone thinks it...sure I can get mad and be stupid at times but it is for the right reasons. Let's just say for example If I get mad at a girl I'm involved with for saying I love you to an ex or another? Now me being mad is that an asshole emotion or normal emotion? I'm just addressing the last few comments I had to delete because people like to say things that aren't true just to get me the best of me.

Ok on to another topic...I wish I could find out who the person was that commented on my last entry so I can get them five points lol. I tried guessing but really didn't come up with any good suspects. Please tell me who you are lol.

Now getting back to the whole God thing. I'm trying commit myself back to God and his will because as I look at my life and the way things have been I could see the possible reason for my suffering and pain is the sin that is in my life. I actually came to this conclusion recently. Ok and this is my thought I know some of my friends out there are atheist but I have to speak what I believe...If I'm charge of my life really where is it going to go? I make mistakes like everyone else and I'll probably end up fully being depressed and angry without any direction. Do I really know where go in life? lol Do I really know what is best for me? I thought Sam was good for me and at end of the relationship I realized my choice in being with her and the emotions I placed in her weren't worth it and I made a mistake. Now don't get me wrong I loved sam and she's a great girl but all of us are imperfect. I did what I wanted to do and look where it got me...no where but rock bottom almost or at least one of the lowest parts of my teenaged life.

I put hopes into imperfect people when I should put my hope in a perfect God. His way is better than my way so maybe I should start listening to him. If God is love as the bible says then he must have my best interests in mind even though it at the present time (most likely because of my sinful ways and lack of commitment.) So this is something I need to work on.

Also my church put me in charge of their youth ministries so I'm probably very soon going to be starting up a youth group that could lead to many things. Just letting you guys know if you are interested in being a part of it.

Now going back to other topics. Relationships and girls again. Don't worry I will also get to friends. Now getting into the issue I think I'm placing too much of my focus on finding someone to be with right now. I mean sure it's one of the things I want the most but it could also be my biggest weakness in the sense of it using up all of my focus. I think as much as I think about other people having that someone by their side it hurts or how much I look back to see what I had and how much that hurts. Well maybe I should place my focus on the present things that I know I can deal with such as my job, my future, finding new friends (I'll get to that), getting my car back on the road, my relationship with God, the youth group, etc. Now I'm not saying I want to date I'm just saying I have realized lately is that worry about it too much when it should be a secondary issue in my life. Most of the time I put it 1st which could go back to why my relationship with God is so crappy and I'm not getting anything done. Maybe I'm putting effort into something that isn't meant to be right this second. Like people say when you aren't looking for that person they end up showing up in your life. Yet even if they don't it doesn't change the fact that this issue in my life should still be secondary. I want to say this again I'm not done with dating as it may seem I mean I find a girl that seems to really like me I will date her but right now I think should making dating a secondary issue in my life.

Now to my friends. This is not to meant for all of you so don't worry but worry a lil bit because it is meant for the majority of you. I mean 99.8 percent of my friends are not really my friends. I mean usually I go out of my way for my friends when I can with rides and money. I try to be selfless. This is where my "friends" come into the picture ready to walk all over me and take advantage of our friendship. How many times have I asked certain people if they wanted to do something and they blow me off? How many times did these people say they'd call me back and never do? How many times did these people ask for rides (and me being a jackass ride them around) while their motive was only to use me to get what they want?
I'm starting to see that my "friends" aren't really my friends at all.

I'm gonna start cutting these certain friends, feelings, and issues off to actually get my life in order the way it's suppose to be. I could go on and on but you are probably tired of hearing about my life so I'll let you. Just remember to comment me at least lol.

ahhhhhhh yea

2006-10-24T20:35:21Z

Thanks for the comments.
I mean i really do take into consideration what people say...I mean they might be seeing something I'm not. I'm just being pushed in a certain direction.

It's so hard though. Things just suck sometimes.
I'm a person to observe everything and everything is telling me that everyone is just stupid. I seriously give up...no more wavering between what I should do.

I'm done with the idea of love and what not

I'm just going to waste away and do whatever I want....
(cuz really thats all it comes down to anyways)

In order to be yourself you need to do what you want...and right now I'm not doing what I want.

So I'm not gonna look at this like changing but taking everything away that isn't me...

this relationship shit I truly b.s
either way it will end either...either someone breaks up with someone or you die anyone...so yeah
that shit is gay.

I mean sure you can be happy with someone but that's you...not me because I know my luck and the way things go for me so yeah. It's pretty hard to keep your hopes up and look forward to finding the "right girl" when most of the experiences you went through tell you that things are going to be shitty. That's like looking at dark clouds and saying that a storm isn't coming. I'd be ignoring everything around me. Everything that's going on is telling me that shit isn't going to get worse not better. Even though I'm bringing Sam right now to into this conversation doesn't mean this conversation is about her at all. I mean sure she's part of it because she was a big part of me but for the most part her as a whole she is dead to me.

In order for me to get over something I have to completely cut that person out of my life as if they never they never existed. She was a great gf but in the end I saw her true motives and I wouldn't want to be with someone with motives like that. It's the whole time we dated she wasn't the person I knew. I believe that 90 percent of our relationship was a lie on her part. I mean I loved her but I saw past certain things to see what she truly had her eyes on and what she was really trying to do. I don't want to be with someone like her.

Going back...I can usually sense when shit is well going to be shitty. When I was with Sam I had a good vibe me and her. I was fooled. So I guess I can be fooled her but if I have something to look forward to I dont see it. No one out there wants what I want in a relationship (real commitment) so now if this isn't working why should want commitment. In my heart I do want to be with someone but from a realistic viewpoint I know that won't be with someone I can truly love anytime soon.

I seriously think I'm becoming an asshole. This might be a good thing. If your heart's hard it won't feel pain right.

If Sam did this and acted like she loved me then well who's stopping everyone else from being the same way?

I mean I see how other girls act and I haven't met one honest and trustworthy one yet.

I dk Im just rambling.

jhartman142000 @ 2006-10-18T22:33:00

2006-10-19T02:47:30Z

Ok. I know. I havent updated you guys on all the stuff that has happened but a lot of things changed. Well we can jump into "relationships" since that's usually where we also end up...well lets just say in short I was fooled. I dated Sam for a while but we ended up not working out. Why didn't we work out? I don't know you are just as clueless me because I never got an answer either...lol.

She was someone very important to me and made look at life differently...even though things didn't end up good I learned some things from being with her and being away from her. I never really loved brittany because I didn't know what love was...like it seems like my feelings advanced...my heart became more mature and I know what my feelings are (for the most part) now. I know I loved Sam. Sometime the memories of what we had and us still gets to me but I just have to remind myself if someone loved me they wouldn't hurt someone like that not only that but they wouldn't lie or even present any form of deception.

the bottomline is you don't intentionally hurt people you love.

That's how I know her feelings for me weren't true. Let me back up just a bit. Sam and I had a great relationship for the most part (at least in my eyes) subtracting august. She treated me the best out of any person in my life hands down. She was basically my everything. I mean we were together a lot and for the most part I was happy even when I was stressed out about my work, home life, friends, etc...In the middle of all these things I had peace that this lovely person would be my side. Like she really did complete me. Like I had that security...and it was different because in order to have security and peace you have to trust someone fully and totally with your heart. Yes I did give her my heart in the sense that in me all of my affections belonged to her...basically my life revolved around her.

That would have to be my 1st mistake. I have realized that placing someone in that position in your life will lead to a downfall. 99 percent of the people out in the world aren't worth trusting because they aren't trustworthy.

We had amazing times but most importantly as a person she was truly amazing to me. Then She broke up with me. This is what I think is kinda funny about this part...I mean anyone in a somewhat serious relationships gets the "I will always love you." "I won't leave you." or the bs like that. Well we had our share of words like that and on the one night I needed that person the most...when stress about everything was rising, my friend just basically disowned, and etc. She left me...That night...The night I needed that person to be by my side she broke up with me.

Even after the break up I wanted to be with her badly. I even prayed (and you know how I am with my relationship with God) but I heard nothing. We haven't talked (which is a good thing trust me...I don't want to pour salt on my wounds just yet lol.) I never really got a reason except it just wouldn't work out. Yes I did go through the grief stage. I cried, cried, screamed, put a hole in my wall, and cried some more. It really hurt me. I wondered if God allowed this to happen to wake me up. Like him Sort of saying ok you see this person said they would be there...ok well who's really here now...Me or them? That's what I sort of felt like.

Well as the days rolled on I really realized how depressing things could get. I thought shit was rough before...ha. Well even when things seeming couldn't get worse my life fall apart basically. I loved her a lot. She held the keys to my heart and pretty much broke it.

NOW...It's been a bit since the break up...I'm going to outline the big things and some thoughts here. I had sugery done inside my ears exactly a week ago...the sleep was great. I met people and hung out with people...I really only came down to one conclusion so far. When someone says they love you go with your guy and don't believe them you'll save yourself a lot. I don't know emotional stage I'm in...If it's anything I'm numb...I have learned thats the best way to go about doing things.

I think in my life I'm wavering between two sides...One side I try to stay pure to idea that someone who is great and that is perfect for me is out there or I can just become an asshole like a lot of the guys out there and just not give a shit about things. I'm leaning towards that latter because the 1st one only ends in pain.

It seems like each day observing the way people (mostly directed toward women) and knowing how the shit in the past ended up I think I'm almost emotional numb.

Like I don't know....two years ago I was looking that "right" girl...a year ago at this time I was with brittany and that ended up badly...3 months ago I was happy with someone I love...and now I am back to where I was two years ago except I have a bigger decision...

Either to keep on this road of looking for that special girl to be and keep that hope alive
or
Play the field as one would say...date people, have interesting times, and not give a shit...

I dk...the latter seems actually more realistic.
Your thoughts would be nice...I'd like to know what you think.

times change

2006-02-14T01:24:27Z

wow long time no entry. Well I've been good. Sam and I are still together and I love her alot. She has made me very happy. I'm so glad I found a girl I can actually love and that loves me back. Well I'm working at walmart now. It's open and crazy. I'm also 18 now :). I actually feel a lil more grown up. but i dk im gonna go...ttyl

These days are truly different...

2005-12-28T00:20:31Z

Things have changed alot. I'm dating Sam now not brittany. Brittany tried to start shit early on with Sam and I and basically tried to get me not to date her and stuff...but I knew what I wanted and I wanted Sam. Also there are people out there who are out to make me be a liar...to those people I tell them to come and try to prove your case...it will only prove even more that im trustworthy and that I don't lie. I keep my promises nor do I lie...
I'm really happy with Sam. I do truly believe that she likes me a lot and that we are going to make a great couple as grow together. She treats me great and I care about her a lot.
Other than that...I got a psp for xmas :). But other than that not much at all has been goin on...I mean I have been suffering from a very painful toothache for the past few days and I think it's infected. Dumb-ass me didn't go and get that taken care of like I was suppose to a month ago. I guess it is true u reap what you sow. I dk. I'm goin go. BYE

eck.

2005-12-01T08:05:12Z

last night was fast but depressing in a way. My trust is like a house of cards almost in a lot of especially a certain few...after doing something hurtful when u build it up again you have to be careful to keep your word and watch out for doing something that might make the cards fall over...yet with one blow you could not all the cards down...like with brit...we have been dating for a while she has done something that hurt me and made me not trust her...After most of these events she has seemed to build my trust pretty well...like not 100 percent but close. Ever since we took our break my "house of cards" or my trust (damn I love using metaphors :)) is harder to build and more gentle and weak...but it's still there. Now it's almost gone and most of the cards have been lost...Still it can be fixed but it's dying...She was building me trust lately but every so often when she'd make a comment to me or someone else or when she talk to certain people one by one she takes a piece of my trust away. Last night she damn near blow a big chunk of my trust down. She went against something she said she wouldn't do. I wouldn't be as upset if she didn't know how I felt and if she didn't make a promise about not doing it. That's a big no no in the area of my trust. She thinks u can love someone but also go against something they ask u to do and is important to them...what she doesn't see (or does and is lying to me) is that it hurts me. It's like holding a gun up to my head and saying "I want to do this." "Why won't you let me." "You are an asshole." Even though the past is the past it is still very real scars prove that and it still hurts sometimes. We can't learn anything unless we look to the past to guide from making the same mistakes. Do you understand? I don't want to be hurt and no one sees or wants to believe that I'm constantly hurting and in pain :(. Everyone is always to bust looking at themselves yet when I try to help over people they can't see that I'm hurt and in need. Pain is still very much a problem of mine...Sadness is almost always here and the shit that I have to deal with all day isn't helping. All the stress coming from worrying and fighting with brittany, everything going on at home, worrying about what I'm gonna do about my education, getting money to make it through-out the day, etc. its all adding to the serious saddness I already have. People don't or wanna listen to me or about what I'm going through and because of that I finally realize I'm alone. Soon if I don't watch out or do something this pain will not just be pain anymore but anger and I will turn into something I'm very against. A permnant heartless asshole. I MEAN A careless and rude. Probably permnant but I dont want it to go to that. I need do something.

the past few days...

2005-11-27T00:45:33Z

Well thanksgiving I spent with brittany...Which was good and bad...good because I got to spend time with her plus get away from the house...and but the bad part is that when I got to spend time with her I felt like she treated me for the most part like crap...Sure sometimes she treated me good but it was rare...It seems like she really don't care about me like she says she does...She acts like I will always be there no matter how she treats...that isn't entirely true...If someone trues me like shit im gonna get the impression they dont love me. I dont want to be around someone that don't love me.

I just want to be treated good. I feel like crap all the time just being by myself...as it is...maybe being treated like shit by other people just adds to this...which might explain why my depression is getting worse rather than better...Or at least this is adding to it...

Right...

2005-11-22T01:53:30Z

Today was ok I guess...I went to this walmart job hiring thing at a holiday inn. They called me for a re-interview so I guess I got the job...I'm saying this because they said we're gonna sign papers and copy my license and shit like that...Then for the rest of the day I basically slept. I have mostly been bored. YAWN I don't know...Leave me some comments

Life gets darker and darker until eventually it goes pitch black...

2005-11-19T22:01:25Z

Ah. What can I say? things are ok I guess. Stressful. that's mainly it...well you know what things aren't ok for what I consider things to be ok...I want to use the word normal because according to the events of my life its normal for me to that the problems and issues that I'm having but it doesn't mean I consider it to be ok...I think I'm just adjusting and conforming to how my life is now.

They weren't lying when they said change was a part of life...

Not even a year ago my life was totally different than what it is now (no to say everything's bad). Things are definately different though. A year ago it was only me, my dad, my brother, and sister...and my dogs zeus and athena...Well now zeus is gone and we recieved three new people staying with us. A year ago I was pretty much single and rude jumping from dating one girl to the other. Now I met someone that with the wrong word she could break me. Wow! things do hit you fast and hard. It seems like these events in my existence are leading me to something big...I dont know what it is...but it's forming me to become someone for something...a purpose if you will...Maybe it's just the way I think. I'm crazy. Oh well I'm gonna go. BYe.

1st entry...off to a bad start?

2005-11-15T17:27:29Z

Ok things have been really been pissing me off lately. As all of you know that know me I go out with a girl named brittany and it has be like that (somewhat or sometimes off and on) but for the most part we have been dating for a while. To be honest I disagree with the way she acts sometimes...I think I deserve a girlfriend who holds me 1st before backstabbing so-called friends and other rude evil people in her life. As much as she does she doesn't because the way she acts and what was does proves she doesn't put me before them. I hate that shit. I hate liars for one thing but doing this to is f*ckin bs. I hate this.
I dont know what I'm going to do about the situation. I mean I truly love her but this shit isn't right for me. I don't deserve this shit and I don't need it in my life right now.

My homelife is hell right now. I'm stressed. I'm broke. I'm about to go and look for a job. I need some cheering up or something...I need a change in my life and soon or I'm gonna fall apart